At A Moments Notice...

The last couple of weeks I've been re-creating my existence. Beginning to live in a place of peace. It's been difficult as old habits do not die easily. The words of those who have gone through the process, or who like me are going through the process fill my head and my heart. It's good to know that I am not on this journey alone. A journey back to self.

I almost lost it this afternoon when I heard Lauryn wail, "Can I even factor, that I've only been an actor, in this staged interpretation of this day?" Like kevin.daily I really don't think most were ready for Lauryn or her message. But like her I have to remove all that does not bring me closer to my true self--even if it means losing a few folks along the way. I'm tired of the matrix, tired of the imagery, sick and tired of wanting to be free and yet doing absolutely nothing to obtain it.

I've gotta find peace of mind. I've got to get to that place where the mirror reflects all thats true, a place where I'm no longer fighting myself, or hating myself or failing to forget just who's child I am. Because when it all falls down I want to be able to get up, dust myself off and fully embrace the me that's been dying to get out.

I'm going to close this out by attaching the lyrics to Lauryn's song Oh Jerusalem. I do hope you'll take the time to read them...because believe me, it's worth your time.
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Oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem...

Realizing that there's no place else to go,
and there's nobody I know who can help me,
text book solutions are so improbable,
cuz everybody else is just as empty.

Naked as the day that I was born,
I tried to hide behind education and philosophy
a hopeless explanation to describe a situation
I can't see because the world's on top of me.

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me,
from the body of this death?
Freeing me from dust, and the superficial trust
of an enemy that seeks to take my breath?

Failing to connect, cuz I'm morally defect
by reason of the God inside my head.

Causing me to see, only what pertains to me
believing I'm alive when I'm still dead.

Limited to earth, unable to find out my worth
cuz I can't see past my own vanity

If I'm not included, then I just have to remove it
from my mind because it has to be insanity.

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me,
from the body of this death?
Can I even factor, that I've only been an actor
in this staged interpretation of this day?

Focused on the shadow, with my back turned to the light
too intelligent to see it's me in the way...

What a paradox, having God trapped in a box!
All this time professing to be spiritual...

Naturally pretending, that I'm actually defending
God through my façade, [when it's] only material

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness!
That thou may be saved from thy deception.
How long, shall thy fake those lies within thee, oh Jerusalem
keeping thee from perfection?

Submit to truth!
Leave the deception of thy youth!
So we can walk in the council of authority.

Forget the proof!
A generation so aloof,
only follow in the steps of the majority...

Trust in the Lord, with all thy heart
and lean not to thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct our paths.

Be not wise in thine own eyes that you can’t follow him,
[for] we judge and condemn; [and are] just as ignorant as them
who religion tells us that we should ignore.

Perpetrating we're in covenant with Him,
[while] exposed by the very things that we adore
We grin and shake hands, then lay ambush for the man
who has a different point of view then us.
Infuriated cuz he doesn't understand,
bringing up those things we don't want to discuss.

Wise who do evil, we don't know how to do good
Walking on in darkness running from the light.
Led to believe, because we live in neighborhoods
[where they keep] telling us what's going on will be alright.

Oh so repressed, so convinced that I was blessed,
when I played with my game of Monopoly!
Oh to suggest, that my life is still a mess...
Who revealed that the pride I'm hiding is what's stopping me?

Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness!
That thou may be saved from thy deception.
How long, shall thy fake those lies within thee, oh Jerusalem
keeping thee from perfection?

"Watch my feet while I step, see my smile while I step, feel my vibe while I step 'cause I'm sending out those love signals." ~ R. Kelly

I truly believe if R. Kelly had one wish, he'd wish his troubled past away. I believe he'd do all he could to win back the trust of all those he hurt, including me. I think if you stumpled upon his nightly prayer these are the words you'd here: "Thank you Jesus for allowing me to be an example to people around the world that you can overcome adversity."

I am an R. Kelly fan. I know professing this while the man is going through a rather touchy case involving an underaged girl, a tape and a heap of piss may not be the best confession I could make, but still I would be remissed if I did not admit he is my addiction. Like many I had problems with the man in the very beginning, and even bigger problems with him when the allegations made headlines around the country, like Sparkle I wanted him to fall...hard. But isn't human nature amazing? What's taboo today makes for an even more successful artist the next day. I clearly remember Wendy cursing the man out and professing she'd never spin another of his tracks on her show again. So why was I surprised when I turned on the Wendy Williams Experience and heard the pied piper of r&b professing: "happy people make the world go 'round"? If anybody hated the man and was sure to continue hating him until she saw him under the jail I thought for sure Wendy would be that person. Damn', what the fuck happened?

According to Rock On The Net since February 2002 when the allegations were first reported Kells has sold a reported six million albums, three million of which came from this latest release alone! Not bad for a man dealing with a major career set back, wouldn't you agree? Which gets one to thinking, what is it about R. Kelly that people can't seem to get enough of? Is his music that fucking good, that a whole slew of people (including me) can purchase every album he has released, guilty conscience or not? Hell-fucking-yeah...

Back in November 2003 I was in D.C. for a radio interview on XM radio when Sdot and I decided to hit up one of the local clubs later that night. After making my rounds I settled in to enjoy what was left of my evening. In case I haven't mentioned this in any of my previous posts: Sdot is a party-goer. He loves to be out and about mixing it up and dancing his ass off to the latest hip-hop beats. So I knew exactly where to find him. He and my friend happy feet were getting their groove on, on the dance floor. After watching them and laughing to myself (I really wonder if people know how they look the moment they lose themselves in music?) I went over and joined them. After hoofing it to about three songs happy feet bid us adieu and headed towards a friend he hadn't seen in quite some time. Never willing to let a steady rhythm go Sdot continued to party to what would turn out to be one of the best sets a non-New York D.J., in our humble opinion, had ever played. Then it came on, and I kid you not, swallowed me whole.

I had heard Step In The Name Of Love before but apparently never really listened to the words. That night as the Grand Manier began to settle in, and the steady bass-line began to thump with the sole determination to bring everyone hooping to the floor, I felt R. making his move. Within minutes the expansive dance floor was overflowing with brothers and sisters eager to step in the name of love. And by God we did. "Step, step side to side, round and round, get down, separate bring it back, let me see you do the love slide..." It felt like a trance; like the whole club was being elevated to another level of party. And just when I thought it couldn't get any higher R. Kelly started speaking directly to me--and though the whole room was alive with excitement, with dancer after dancer causing all types of distraction--and the D.J. yelling repeatedly: “do that shit”--I still managed to hear him loud and clear: If they ask you why we did it, tell them: we did it for love.

I grabbed Sdot, pulled him to me and began battling Kells as he sang, if they ask you why we did it, tell them: we did it for love. I had been looking for definitions of our love, definitions of our relationship, words to say to people who couldn't understand our being, who we were, or why sometimes for us it just wasn't a choice, and I finally found it on a crowded dance floor filled with brothers and sisters who shared and understood the sentiment: we do what we do for love.

Kells opened up a whole new world of understanding for me and for the first time caused tears to fall from my eyes in a club. It was a new chapter in our relationship, yes he had possibly done the unthinkable but I was willing to forgive him, even if others weren't. Simply because that's what love does, forgive.

Kelly's new album is taking me on an emotional high, though I must admit I have yet to fully embrace the u saved me part of the set primarily because the happy people side is so fucking magnetic. At first listen one would think the songs sound almost identical, but a seasoned listener knows each is a unique gift unto itself. I have been spinning this album since it's release and not a day passes that I do not find myself yearning to be one of those happy people. I'm almost there.

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Album: Happy People | Label: Jive | Released: 08.24.2004
Standout tracks: Red Carpet | Love Signals | Ladies Night | If | Steppin' Into Heaven | If I Could Make The World Dance | Happy People

So…when did you fall in love with hip-hop?

The first time I sat down to watch Brown Sugar I was upset with Sdot, so I watched it alone, just as he done a week earlier. I forget what the argument was about now, but I’m sure it was something serious since we’d always watched new additions to our dvd collection together. Anyway, I popped the movie in, straddled my popcorn and hit play. I had heard so much about this ode to hip-hop I couldn’t wait for the shit to start. Hip-hop, the bastard child of the world—or like Erykah once professed: the love of my life—had a love song and a love story all of its own; finally, the black sheep of the family had grown up.

Believe me, I wanted to love it. I wanted to embrace it, I wanted to lose myself in it like I had done in 1996 with Love Jones and 1999 with The Best Man. These movies in my humble opinion redefined black cinema; and it didn’t hurt that my girl Nia Long was in both flicks representing to the 9’s in all her sexiness. But Brown Sugar left me wanting something…something more…something real. To be honest I just didn’t get it. Maybe it because I was mad at Sdot; maybe it was because I was tired of seeing Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs in every other black progressive movie that hit the silver screen. From The Best Man to The Wood, to Love & Basketball to Disappearing Acts to How Stella Got her Groove Back to Brown Sugar. Every where I looked these two were representing me and my supposed way of life and I was tired of it. Once you’d seen one movie, you’d seen them all, and Brown Sugar seemed to be a bad carbon copy of every last one of them.

Just when you think you know everything about hip-hop it finds a way to surprise you, and reminds you why you fell in love in the first place. Last night for whatever reason Sdot and I popped Brown Sugar in and decided to relive or maybe re-capture a lost moment. And you know what, I loved it. Yeah the story line was pretty predictable, and all the characters were playing equally predictable roles. Roles some of them had years to perfect since they’d played them since the beginning of their careers. But I felt that umph I’d hoped I’d feel the first time I watched it; that certain, je ne sais quoi…and it felt good you know? To watch a group of black actors and actresses move beyond the hip-hop ride or die routine (not that there’s anything wrong with that), to a place in the world where Mos Def and Queen Lah could practically show up trained actors and actresses in a major motion picture.

I love hip-hop, always have and always will and this movie reminded me of that. I grew up to it, it is my life. And like many generations before me I’ll probably be a sixty year old man tearing the dance floor up the moment the DJ throws on Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth’s T.R.O.Y. (aka They Reminisce Over You). Sounds funny, but I know it’s true…hip-hop will be that beat I toast to for many years. That sound that makes me swoon, and sing with joy ooh lah, lah, lah!!! And though over the years I’ve come to love jazz and all it represents I know Miles Davis, or John Coltrane or even the great Dianne Reeves could never take the place of the Notorious B.I.G. or the feeling I felt the first time I heard Salt and Pepa scream Tramp! What you call me—a tramp!

I say all this to say, I’ve found a new favorite movie. Sorry Sdot, but this one’s a repeater.

One day I always thought I would outgrow my relationship with hip-hop. I never thought it was a fad like many, but I never thought it could grow and mature. Ithought it would be an adolescent memory I'd look back on, like a crush on the captain of the football team. But I realized we had more than that. Much more. We have a history...a friendship. We listen to each other. We laugh together. We finish each other's lyrics. I don't have to pretend with hip-hop, and hip-hop doesn't have to pretend with me. ~Sidney, Brown Sugar

"The people are the slaves of Life, and it is slavery which fills their days with misery and distress, and floods their nights with tears and anguish." ~Khalil Gibran

I have one of those old school barbers neatly tucked into a twenty-first century frame. The type of barber that listens more than he speaks, understands more than he lets on.

He's the type of brother you love to call a friend because you know when your time comes to be heard, you will be heard, with out restrictions, conditions or suspicion. And I love that.

For the better part of my life I've been a conversationalist, not a talker. I'd rather remain quiet if I have nothing beneficial to say, than to ramble on and on about nothing in particular. Partly because I am always looking for the greater good of the coversation. The word, or words that my heart almost desperately needs to hear. Nouns, verbs and adjectives that are sure to catapult me into motion and thought.

Saturday was no different.

"Humans are always looking for validation. Always looking to prove themselves to others. It's sad really...I mean, is it really necessary?" He asked somewhat confused and annoyed. "To prove yourself to someone else? To make them feel good about you, and your life? If you are who you say you are, they will notice, without you ever having to say a word."

I've spent the greater part of my life validating my existence. Validating my feelings, my love, my fears. It is sad when you really think about it. After all a lion doesn't have to remind you that he is a lion, and that at will he can fuck you up. He knows. You know. There's no extra bop in his swagger, no crown upon his head...no boom to his bip. He is what he is...and quite content with being just that.

Hmmm...

When I left the chair I felt revived. I had heard the words I'd come to hear, and as a result had been called to action. From then on, I would be a lion. A mighty, mighty lion.